Some things are never going to change.  I am not quite sure if it is the natural tendency of the world to have it out against us... but I am genuinely trying to consider why it feels like everyone hates me.  Maybe it isn't everyone.  Maybe it's just anyone with my married last name... because that feels more accurate.

I make effort.  I really do.  I strive, adapt, change to accomodate.  It is, though, beginning to feel as if I live my life in attempt to meet the needs of others while I stand, stranded and alone.  I say what I need to get the craziness to silence.  I do what I need to do to meet what is required... but in turn? "You don't care about me."  Then why the hell did I just do all this stuff for you?!

I am moving to Nashville in January.  I got the job of my dreams and I am going regardless.  I need this change.  I need something different.  I cannot stand this place anymore... and thank you, God, for opening this door.  I am so grateful to know that I haven't been forgotten in all of this...

Despite my attempts to work on my attitude, there are some things that are so awful still... and I can't fix any of them.

I never asked you to come home.

tired of being the broken,
tired of being the beaten,
I stare up with tears in my eyes
your hands wrapped around my neck

I never asked you to come home.
stand far away now,
my heart's been broken.
there's nothing left to say

the bruises say it all
I see the sad behind the smile
and the makeup to keep up the lies
you never asked him to come home...

run away, strong girl
stand up on your own.
run away, strong girl.
tell him he can't come home.

This is going to be one ridiculous blurb of frustration.  I have spent this last entire week battling a heaviness that is beginning to feel suffocating.  I feel depressed.  I feel sad.  I feel exhausted.  I feel utterly hopeless and discouraged.  I feel like crying, but I don't.  I feel alone, even when I'm with you.  I feel empty even when I have reasons to feel full.  At first, I attributed this to my current solution to the spousal disputes.  I have silenced myself.  I am afraid to complain, to express myself, to tell him how I feel... because, in the past, any time that I have, regardless of all the psychologic nonsense I attribute to my feelings, it's been blown out of proportion and taken out of me.  He gets defensive, get gets angry, he gets upset and says I'm making him out to be a horrible person.  BUT I NEVER MEANT IT THAT WAY.  Doesn't matter, it seems.  It has to be on his terms or no terms.  I don't complain and I don't tell him what's going on, how I feel unless I'm being very very careful.  So sparringly.  Initially, I thought this was the cause of the depression because I've begun to feel as if I've lost a sense of myself.  I am hiding.  All the time.  Then, I started spotting... girl stuff... and usually, I get really moody when that happens, even if it's not a real period.  B.C. 4 life.  And now... I'm wondering if it's because of all the drama that I've heard with my inlaws.  My father-in-law, so I've heard, has been spreading lies about me in order to pit my brother-in-law against me.  It's depressing and frustrating... but I felt like I gave it to God.  Can't do nothing about it and have resigned myself to silence because of the way that this man is.  Writing about that would be an entirely different blog... but it's been a struggle.  Or maybe it's my current job situation...

If I kept listing the things it could be, I'm sure I could take up a page or two... but I really don't know.  I know that, right now, sitting here... I am miserable and I hate my life and myself so incredibly much.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I SUCK SO MUCH. I just don't. 

Today, though, I had an annoying dream.  I woke up angry.  I don't normally get angry but it was the kind of angry that made me want to put holes in things.  Just frustrated. 

I feel like I'm just in a dark period.  The last several weeks I've been feeling like God isn't there, hearing me, etc... and I've had to learn to trust and pray despite that... and that's been exhausting in and of itself... and now through those struggles, I just feel another dark cloud.

I just want to be a happy person.  I want to feel peace and joy and not wonder if I'm upsetting someone, saying the wrong thing.  I don't want to be so uncomfortable in my own skin anymore.  I just want the world to be okay with me being me... and I want them to let me be okay being me.

I guess I need to keep looking up.  It's hard.  I'm tired of feeling so weighted.
God, help me?