Sunday, 05 July 2009

• Need

   I need out.  I think I need out.

  My husband and I survived.  We made it to Hawaii.  We made it to our second anniversary, despite the war.  I've been on vacations before and felt tense.  I've been miserable on vacations.  We went to Kona, the Big Island.  It's touristy, but minorly so.  It has a small town feel and yet is very spread out in that feeling.  The people are so incredibly nice.  We met a lot of people who were friendly to us, complete strangers.  We fought a little.  I had an anxiety attack related to my diet.  I think I posted on it.  But no matter how bad I felt, how awkward I was, or if we were fighting... I felt more at peace there than I have here in a long long time.  The only way I know how to explain it relates to the atmosphere.  Surrounding air.  Auras.  Whatever.  You walk into a room of smoke and you choke.  You walk into a room with clean air and you breathe.  It feels like that.  I FEEL LIKE I'M CHOKING.

  I feel trapped and we only got back on Thursday.  No job.  I've really had it in my heart for a hospital job... it fits me better... and I won't likely be able to get a hospital job here in town until possibly October.  I hate the thought of playing house wife until October.  I hate the thought of having no money to pay my personal bills.  My job is cleaning the house now.  I hate housewife.  I don't like her.  I don't mind cleaning, but I don't like this sense of... nothing. 

  I can barely clean right now.  I'm trying but I just get pissed and pissed.  I'm thinking we may need to reconsider getting rid of the animals.  I have asthma.  For the first time in awhile, I was able to breathe in Hawaii.  I'm already using my inhaler constantly here.  Constantly.  It's exhausting.  The cat scratches me while I'm vaccuuming and I go into an asthma attack.  We don't have insurance.  I can't afford this liability.  The one cat makes me want to kill things.  I don't even know what it is... but I hate even looking at her.  With passion.  With violent passion.  She's the one who scratched me.  I like having pets... but I don't know about this.

  John keeps talking about finding a job out of state.  I know we just bought this house in March... but it seems defeating to me to stay here if I can get a job elsewhere.  I had so many interviews here and the well seems to have dried.  I have an interview on Monday... but I want to believe that God will give me a job that I want, that fits my schedule and my needs.  I don't think that this job is it.  Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like what I want.  That might change at the interview... but man.  I've been putting jobs out in other areas that I know I enjoy, including the Hawaii area.  Job applications are exhausting.  Over and over again.

  Am I imagining things?  Am I feeling like a break down because I'm back into the routine and the vacation takes you out of the environment of routine?  Is it possible that I need to get out of here?  Is this ache there for a reason? I feel like crying out of sheer frustration.  I've been in this awful repetitive state of frustration in this town for years now... and getting out and feeling something different... something so incredibly different is causing my heart to burn.  I try to rationalize and reconcile it as the vacation feeling... but why can't I have that peace here?  Or why can't I live somewhere that I feel the peace...

  Part of me really loves the thought of starting over.  A new beginning, a new chapter.  Something so different...

  I hate that I hate this so much.

  Could someone help me find some direction?

   

  

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