Sunday, 21 June 2009
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Forcing the Moment
So as of Friday, I'm down 9.2 lbs in 4 weeks. I'm almost in double digits down! This is exciting and frightening to me. In fact, while I love Weight Watchers for giving me guidance and being fruitful, I find the old controlling me kicking in. I had to asked my husband to remind me to keep to my points.. because I'm finding that I keep thinking if I eat less points... I lose more weight. So then I just slowly keep eating less. I don't do anything drastic or dramatic... but enough that I can start to feel weak. He's doing a good job of reminding me. I just hate having to even deal with this. I'm constantly in limbo of wanting to eat and hating eating. Or just feeling full or like I don't want to eat. This diet teaches you to consume more fiber and that's part of the lack of hunger, I think...
I also find that my self defeating thoughts increase. The fat pinching, grabbing, disgust gets worse. I feel fat ... and I am fat ... but I have a hard time acknowledging that it's getting better... slowly but surely, it's getting better.
Le sigh. I'm still sucking in the job department and it kills me to hear about classmates getting two, three job offers! I'm looking harder than anyone I know, I have my license... I have good experience... and somehow, I'm still not good enough. I keep trying to see if I can get a perspective from God and it doesn't seem to get through to me. And in my head, I think... God gives blessing and takes it away. Is this for a reason? Am I supposed to be just hanging out right now? Is it supposed to help me get my emo shit together? I DON'T GET IT. But... what can I do? Keep looking... keep looking. Keep praying. There's gotta be something for me, right?
We get to go to Hawaii in a few days. I'm excited to get away for a change of scenery. Yay for beach!
I don't know what else to write. There's really not much else. I'm just trying to be a better person...
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