darkness settling in
the clouds are overhead
I look up to the skies
you're hidden from my eyes

I feel the emptiness
as my old scars ache and throb
the blood that once trickled
leaving ghosts on these wrists

I'm reminded of where I've been
but forgetting where I want to go
when I can't see you...
I'm left alone here with my scars... (into the dark)

my soul aches for restoration
retribution screams my name
let me see you again
let me not be alone...

let me not be alone...
(but I feel so alone without you here.)
(without you near)
let me not be alone...

(God, I need you in this ache.  I need you to get past this past of mine.  I need you to remind me that I'm human, maybe that I'm still beautiful to you... that these scars, this marriage to hell... hasn't taken me from you.  I feel so alone.)

When my depression, my... trash... was much worse than it was now, I had a deadjournal.  I blogged all the time... and recently, I had realized that I had forgotten my username for that account and had no way to see the past.  I found it... and the past nauseates me.

In fact, reading that blog has me wanting to cry.  The last entries were from 8 years ago.  I was 17.  Yes, I still struggle with cutting.  Yes, I still struggle with self-esteem issues and weight issues.  I am terrified to see that I was that girl.  As I read it, I feel the rush of emotion that comes with reliving those moments.  I can feel and see the motions as if they are happening again and as if I am feeling it again... was it so strong?  Sitting in my car outside of the bible study house, listening to Spoken and in tears... I am haunted.

It feels as if I had blocked out those memories.  I could recall things being awful, wretched, unbearable.  I remember that the time existed... but it feels like I have forgotten what it really was like... and here it is.  I do not know that girl.  I do not want to know her.  Yes, things are rough now... and, in some ways, things have not changed... but I am not her.  We are far apart; light years away from each other.  I was not dumb then; but I can feel how much I've simply... grown up... since then. 

This blog is often the bad moments, the insensible and insufferable.  I was always a more prolific writer in sorrow.  I am not sure that it will change, but I hope it does.  I want to be able to look back and relive the joy and relief... the happy, not just the sad and traumatic.  I did not know that looking back would be so sad.  Is this why Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt?  Should we only look forward; only remembering the past... never looking into it?

I am learning much here, I find.  I am learning calmness and an openness to those around me unlike in the past.  This calmness is work based; translating into life.  The world is falling down around you at work... and you have to remain calm.  Nothing will get your work done more quickly than remaining calm... and nothing will scare the family members of your patients more than not being calm.  It is not just for you; it is for them.  Your smile is for them.  In this field, your life does not revolve around you... it revolves around every person that enters into your rooms.  This is the drug seeker, the seizure, the chest pain, the shortness of breath, the asthmatic... it is someone else... and it is okay.  It is okay to be surprised, to be unsure of what to do and how to treat... as long as you learn and try.  I am learning to try; to be okay with whatever hits the door.

My husband has begun counseling and we have reached an agreement.  We have not been allowing each other to be okay and that must change.  We must be okay.  Life is going to be different and this is something we must choose.  I am choosing not to be that girl I was any longer.

I am choosing.

http://crawlawayfromme.deadjournal.com/

Received this in my email...

"Here is a key of the Kingdom for you today: God always plants seeds of incredible destiny into people who are nowhere near the person they need to be in order to actually fulfill that destiny at that moment when the seed is planted. God plants something in you that is so much bigger than who you currently are.

Here is the key! Just as this power and acceleration and the prophesied release was coming upon Elijah, it says that he girded up his loins. Now at first reading, this doesn't seem to be significant, but it really is huge. The Lord spoke to me not too long ago and gave me a word for the Church. He said, "I love you, but it's time to gird up your loins. In the past season of your life I allowed you to live a certain way and act a certain way, however, if you continue living in this new season like you have in the last season, you will not make it or advance. It's time to gird up your loins!"

When Elijah girded up his loins, it means that he reached down and pulled up his robe so that nothing would hinder him in this new season of running with supernatural power and acceleration. Elijah heard a sound that conceived and planted a seed within him. He began to co-labor with God and birth the seed. As the birth of the seed was taking place, Elijah had to change some things in order to advance into the next season."

I am no where near I should be... and to move forward into the "new" season, I cannot live like I have been.  I cannot keep doing this and I need to stop making half-assed attempts to be better and then really not change.  Last year, I had been having dreams where I was convinced, had hope, had faith that something serious was going to change with this move.  The things that I had heard when I was younger about my life, were supposed to begin to grow in this change... and here, now, I'm watching myself feel hopeless, throwing things away... and it HAS TO STOP.  This is ridiculous.  God has not forgotten me... and I am working to stop acting like I have forgotten Him.  Yes.  I may be at a David's part in my life; I have sinned, I have strayed the path and the depression has settled in... but hope, I have in You.  You are the Light in the dark; the shepherd that guides me.

This immaturity has to end.  This nonsense, childishness, this lack of love... "when I became a man, I put away childish things..." I do not need to be perfect; I should not expect it from myself.  I should have direction, though, and should not live my life aimlessly, wandering and without purpose.

So this is it.  Last night was the last mistake.  I will not put myself in that place again.  THERE ARE ALTERNATIVES.