Weblog

Saturday, 30 January 2010

  • It's been awhile... and right now, this is simply because I cannot cope.

    I feel like I'm 16 again, back in my parents.  I can see myself, over head, watching myself curled into the fetal position.  I'm rocking, shaking, crying violently.  The blade is sitting in my hand and I don't want to... I don't want to... but I have to, have to, have to.  Oh, God.  How I remember the screaming violence in my head from those days. 

    I'm seeing this as I'm applying ice to the bruises that I finished self-inflicting.  Yes, there are visible bruises already.  Yes, I feel shame writing this.  I'm listening to old music that reminds me of the old days.  I'm reading about Self-Mutilators Annoymous and other SI informative blogs and sites.  No, not triggers but informative.  I was reading about books on SI at amazon.com.  I read something that brought up the question of... will I ever outgrow this or grow too old for this?  That question plagues me, haunts me, and disturbs me... because I fear the answer.  The screaming violence has ended but the addiction, the attachment, the inability to cope remains.  It is this marriage; this lack of support that screams at me now.

    These last three weeks have been plagued with changes, abandonment, tears and fears.  I am not finding the peace that I had thought God was putting in this place.  Nothing is like I thought; in fact, it is the opposite of everything.  I feel so without; so alone.  I feel more lost with people, more awkward.  I only found some sense of self after some time at work - and even then, each day started completely awkward and disorienting.  I am accused of bitching all the time.  Complaining of everything.  Or being upset with everything.  I don't feel I am... but of course, I am the awful one.  I break everything.

    I thought this year would change a lot... but so far, I'm at a greater loss here and where I should be relying harder on God, I find myself falling apart.  Not only myself, but my increasingly damaged marriage...

    And having done all else, will I be left to stand? The pathetic, abhorrent, disgusting and ill-regarded emo girl is peeking from around the corner and she is taunting me, she is teasing me, and she is reminding me of everything I've given up... or can't seem to...

    I don't feel good enough.

Sunday, 27 December 2009

  • I've been trying to avoid blogging.  In my head, if I am blogging then something has moved beyond my scope of emotional control.  It eludes to there being something wrong - something beyond coping.  I have felt stronger recently than I have in a very long time - I have found things in myself that I wish I knew sooner... and I have come to terms with things of God in ways that I hadn't before... and it's been a blessing, and it has been wonderful...

    But there has come this one thorn that has been bothering me.  In the process of this move, I have learned... that those people we thought were our friends... most of them, really weren't.  They were, superficially, but when it ultimately came to it... my husband and I don't matter to them.  Or I don't matter to them.  Or he doesn't matter to them.  Somewhere in the game, we crossed into the line of "not worth the effort."  People began making promises to see us, make plans, and then bail... or not call back, or not answer calls, or ignore us completely.  "Oh no, you're leaving?  We should hang out!" And then nothing.  Silence.  A quick peer into the black abyss... the absence of friendship... the absence of comradery.  Maybe I'm over assessing the situation... but today, when I was told that I wasn't (more or less - paraphrase, of course) convenient enough to drive 5 minutes to see... that I HAD to go to her if I wanted to see her... that I'm the one playing mind games and trying to send her all over town to see me... that, somehow, because I wanted someone to make some effort for me... I'm the bad guy... it hurt.  It crushed... and up to right this moment, I have been the strong one.  I have been standing here saying, "This isn't easy, but this is okay..."

    It is getting easier to leave knowing that there is nothing here.  In the handful of friends that I thought I had, I am coming out with one.  I am so, so grateful for her... and she is the one that I would have expected the least... but God bless her.  I am so grateful for her.  But to stand here... and watch bridge after bridge burn... and to stop and want to say to people... "you know you might not see us in a really long time, or if at all, right?" and for it to still not matter... it's becoming brutal.  If it weren't for my family, I would have no other reason to be here.  Part of me wonders, while we "plan" to move back, if we're supposed to.  Part of me fears that these burned bridges are part of the process - of creating this emptiness in this area.  Am I supposed to think back of here and feel that there has really been nothing left for us?  Family, yes... but that's all we have here right now.  We have his family and we have mine... but I don't know if it's supposed to end there.  We are not valued here and I don't feel that we are having any Godly effect here.  Nothing... and right here, where I stand, I have a hard time imagining coming back... and I commit myself to no plans - right now, the only plan is Nashville... where I already know that God has several purposes for us there...

    I don't want to have my hopes up for Nashville - I don't want to set the bar too high... but I am setting the bar in believing that God is going to use this to open up opportunities... and I really pray for his glory.  We have possessons here, but I really feel like we have a lot staked into there.  I've got a dream job that must have been God.  John's got a job that obviously came from God - I mean, c'mon,  how do you get a job without a formal interview?  He's already set up in a christian band when he gets there - and that's been in his heart.  We're rooming with his buddy - a strong christian fellow.  His buddy is one of those guys... that no matter how long you've been apart, you can always pick up right where you left off.  We don't have that here.  I believe that God's used our time here for growth... but it needs to go deeper and I think this move is going to help that...

    I just don't know what to do with the feeling of distaste towards coming back.  I don't know what's going to happen - and so I won't make any claims to what will happen... but the feeling is there.

    ... I thank God for what I have and I thank God that I can look forward... and learn from the past.

Monday, 14 December 2009

  • Even when...

    Even when I try... I find that there are people who still hold me to standards that I cannot stand up to.  I am not tall enough, thin enough, flexible enough to meet up to the impossible.  What is this standard?  Perfection.  I cannot be everything, be nothing, be something all at once.  I cannot stand on my own feet and carry you at the same time.  I cannot meet all your needs... even when I try.

    My ass has been kicked again.  I think it's bruised.  It hurts to sit on my ego because I am convinced that I have become the worst person in the world.  Or so, you would have me believe.  Am I threatening?  Why do some people find me abhorrant and other people find me endearing?  I love Paul's, "I have become all things to all people so that I may save some."  No, I'm not doing everything everyone else is doing but I am trying to be encouraging, thoughtful.  I am trying to speak words of meaning and uplifting words.  But... I'm find... it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter how nice you are because the moment you screw up, you have a million voices screaming behind you, "I KNEW YOU WERE AN ASSHOLE."  Over and over again. Fuck me.

    Some things are a farse.  Paul was right.  If you can avoid it, avoid it.  It only ruins things.

Sunday, 13 December 2009

  • The Way Life Was Intended?

    I keep asking myself: is this secret life the life I am supposed to live?  I felt my heart break tonight as I realized much depth I hide from others.  And yet, I don't feel that I am any longer at a point in my life that I hide it... but rather, life calls for it.  There are parts of life that I've found some can handle and others, simply, cannot.  I cannot share and I feel like I have bits of my heart scattered among those I know.  There is never anyone to see the whole picture, only pieces.  Is this the way things are meant to be? 

Tuesday, 01 December 2009

  • I was thinking today... (yes, it happens)... and I realized that if my life had gone how I had planned this year, nothing would be changing.  NOTHING.  I was looking at it and realized that if I had gotten to be where I aimed to be, I would be the same girl now as I was then.  My sense of self would not have developed or my sense of God.  It's going to be hard, lonely, different... but I am so glad that things are moving forward.  I am glad that I am currently teaching and will be moving to another state.  It is so far from the scope of what I had seen for myself... but it is a good thing. 

    I was really sadden by the thought of where I might be if I had gone down the road I had paved.  It would be redundant and drab, without life... and I have never been one to strive to live my life that way.  I need the challenge.  I thrive on the change. 

    It's due coming.  All of this... and part of me is terrified and the other part is excited to see where this is going to go... but it is possible.  All things are possible...

    I can't give up.  I have to keep taking the steps forward and stop looking back.  I will not be Lot's wife.

Top Tags - Weblog

[no tags]

cadency

  • Visit cadency's Xanga Site
    • Name: Faith
    • Country: United States
    • State: Arizona
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 8/31/2002

Weblog Archives

Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save" above and refresh the page.

About Me

  • But as for me, I came so close to the edge of the cliff! My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone. Then I realized how bitter I had become, how pained I had been by all I had seen. I was so foolish and ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. - Psalm 73:2,21-26

Pulse

  • Changed my profile pic again.  Can finally see some of the weight loss in my face.  Thank God!
  • New pic for my default pic!  I'm the dark one...could anyone really ever imagine me the blonde?  I'm too emo. The color is all natural too!
  • Who knew that this road would make me lose my faith, myself, and make me more alone than I could ever imagine...

Recommended

[no recommendations]

Chatboard (2)

  • casmarie
    Just saying hi.....hope you have a great week!
  • Dominic_Ville
    thanks for the guestbook comment. it's hard writing personal things for all too see (as i'm sure you know) but one of the main reasonsi do is just in case it connects with someone else's journey. thanks again.