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Sunday, 05 July 2009

  • Need

     I need out.  I think I need out.

    My husband and I survived.  We made it to Hawaii.  We made it to our second anniversary, despite the war.  I've been on vacations before and felt tense.  I've been miserable on vacations.  We went to Kona, the Big Island.  It's touristy, but minorly so.  It has a small town feel and yet is very spread out in that feeling.  The people are so incredibly nice.  We met a lot of people who were friendly to us, complete strangers.  We fought a little.  I had an anxiety attack related to my diet.  I think I posted on it.  But no matter how bad I felt, how awkward I was, or if we were fighting... I felt more at peace there than I have here in a long long time.  The only way I know how to explain it relates to the atmosphere.  Surrounding air.  Auras.  Whatever.  You walk into a room of smoke and you choke.  You walk into a room with clean air and you breathe.  It feels like that.  I FEEL LIKE I'M CHOKING.

    I feel trapped and we only got back on Thursday.  No job.  I've really had it in my heart for a hospital job... it fits me better... and I won't likely be able to get a hospital job here in town until possibly October.  I hate the thought of playing house wife until October.  I hate the thought of having no money to pay my personal bills.  My job is cleaning the house now.  I hate housewife.  I don't like her.  I don't mind cleaning, but I don't like this sense of... nothing. 

    I can barely clean right now.  I'm trying but I just get pissed and pissed.  I'm thinking we may need to reconsider getting rid of the animals.  I have asthma.  For the first time in awhile, I was able to breathe in Hawaii.  I'm already using my inhaler constantly here.  Constantly.  It's exhausting.  The cat scratches me while I'm vaccuuming and I go into an asthma attack.  We don't have insurance.  I can't afford this liability.  The one cat makes me want to kill things.  I don't even know what it is... but I hate even looking at her.  With passion.  With violent passion.  She's the one who scratched me.  I like having pets... but I don't know about this.

    John keeps talking about finding a job out of state.  I know we just bought this house in March... but it seems defeating to me to stay here if I can get a job elsewhere.  I had so many interviews here and the well seems to have dried.  I have an interview on Monday... but I want to believe that God will give me a job that I want, that fits my schedule and my needs.  I don't think that this job is it.  Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like what I want.  That might change at the interview... but man.  I've been putting jobs out in other areas that I know I enjoy, including the Hawaii area.  Job applications are exhausting.  Over and over again.

    Am I imagining things?  Am I feeling like a break down because I'm back into the routine and the vacation takes you out of the environment of routine?  Is it possible that I need to get out of here?  Is this ache there for a reason? I feel like crying out of sheer frustration.  I've been in this awful repetitive state of frustration in this town for years now... and getting out and feeling something different... something so incredibly different is causing my heart to burn.  I try to rationalize and reconcile it as the vacation feeling... but why can't I have that peace here?  Or why can't I live somewhere that I feel the peace...

    Part of me really loves the thought of starting over.  A new beginning, a new chapter.  Something so different...

    I hate that I hate this so much.

    Could someone help me find some direction?

     

    Hawaii Trip, Second Anniversary, June 24-July 1st 2009 131

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

  • The Love Hate Relationship

    I hate food.  I hate being fat.  I hate this excess... this constant excess carrying itself on my body.  It sits there and it reminds me of how awful I am, how slothful, how lazy, how worthless, how unattractive I am... and it reminds me all day long.

    So I'm on weight watchers.  I'm trying to do things right this time.  I'm trying not to starve myself into illness or rot my teeth any further away with purging.  I'm working hard and moderation is fucking awful.  It is hard to remind myself to not be on the extremes of things.  I am used to black or white, all or nothing.  That's why anorexia/bulimia was so useful to me.  I could either have all or I could have nothing... but one way or another, I could control it.  I could say when enough was enough.  No one else had that right... no one else could tell me what was wrong or right.  I decided.

    I decide, kind of, on Weight Watchers.  I count my points and I can go to the edge of the points or I can be minimalist... though, they say not to.  Healthy.  I try.  Like any anorexic mindset, however, restaurants are killers.  They present opportunities for the nothing mind to gorge...

    We are in Hawaii.  I am constantly surrounded by restaurants... in situations where I cannot accurately count, measure, or control anything.  I am so strict at home that I weigh my food on a scale.  I measure every cup, half cup, etc.  This is perfect for me, right?  Well, I started eating tonight... and it was digusting.  Disgusting.  Surrounded by restaurants... I felt myself get anxious.  The last few days have become increasingly more difficult when I stand in front of a menu and decide what I can or cannot have.  I feel I can't have most of it and I get panicky.  Will I have the willpower?  Do I have the control?  But I'm so hungry... but I want to eat like a happy fat person again.  It's freaking stinking hard.  Today hit me.  The stress of restaurant after restaurant quickened my pulse, sped up my respirations and I had to fight back the shaking and the tears.  I'M SICK OF EATING.  I'm sick of these choices.  I'm sick of restricting, of controlling.  I'm on vacation in Hawaii for damn sake.  I can enjoy things minimally.  This is good... because I won't go home a blown up cow ... but I just feel trapped.  I don't know what to do with these extremes. 

    I don't like this anxiety.  I don't like constantly wondering and fearing food.  I don't like the power it has over me.  I...

    I feel really sad right now and I don't know what to do with it.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

  • changing the words

    I started off this post... and got half way down the page... about how frustrated I am with my current situation.  Some stuff happened on the job front and it just made me feel heavier and heavier... but as I got to where I was in my thoughts... I realized.  I'm sick of this.  I'm sick of being frustrated, talking about it, going on about it... and it doesn't even deserve to be here. 

    I will get a job when I'm supposed to... even if it means I hate the time frame.  Even if it means I try until I end up in tears... I'm pretty close to that point. 

    In simple terms, I am struggling.  I am struggling with my current state of life and I am fighting the current. 

    I am looking forward to the day where I am no longer trying to walk through brick walls.  It might be a long time before I see that day... but I'm counting on it.

Sunday, 21 June 2009

  • I really desperately need someone's shoulder to cry on right now.
    I need someone to hug me and tell me that I'm not as unwanted as I'm being made to feel...

    I'm trying so hard to make myself into something someone would want.  I'm trying so hard to say things the right way, to be respectful, to listen, to be apologetic when I say something that upsets you.  I'm praying all the time for this ridiculous thing.  I'm trying to give you space.  I'm trying not to cuss up a storm, say mean things, or make things worse...

    and I get nothing.  I get more and more of this nastiness.  I get told how awful I am, how all I do is complain, how sick you are of me.  I get told how much you hate me and how you hate being around me... and how you don't even know why you're with me.  I get told that you don't care if you've made plans with me or said I could do something with you.  I don't even get the courtsey of a call and you say you don't care and that you don't have to call me if something changes.  I get told to leave you alone and when I do, it just gets worse.  I can't do anything right... I can't breathe properly, look properly, and I can't even exist in your presence properly.  I exist to make you angry.  And you hate me. 

    The person I'm fighting for hates me.  The marriage that I push to keep together is broken because he's angry at me.  Why is he so embittered today?  We were sitting in church and he said some things that bothered me.  After church, I got quiet.  That's all.  Quiet.  He harasses me.  What's wrong?  Don't worry.  What's wrong.  I'm tired and I don't like how I feel rejected because you keep telling me my breath stinks in church.  You said it like four or five times and I was trying to listen to the sermon.  Your breath sucks too!  He didn't hear a word of it other than... your breath sucks too.  He was pissed.  Said he didn't like it.  I said I was sorry and that I was sorry I upset him.  I didn't mean for it to come out that way.  Silence the rest of the ride home.  Anger.  More and more anger.  He said all I do is complain and annoy him.  I don't give him any freedom.  I don't let him do anything.  He said all he felt was hate.  All of this because I said his breath sucked too.  I asked him if this was really how he wanted to handle things.  Nothing.  He said he doesn't want to be around me and he doesn't know why he should want to be around me.  All I do is make him angry.

    Dear God, what the fucking hell did I do wrong?!  I haven't slept well in the last four days.  I was sensitive.  It bothered me.  He says meaner things than I said up there to me all the time and I let it go.  I let it go.  He says he'd like to be around me if I stopped saying things that pissed him off.  I've tried so hard... so so hard.  He was fine this morning.  We leave church and all the fucking devils come out.  I had hope yesterday... for the first time in such a long time because I felt I had tried and done well.  But right now, I don't see God and I don't see him helping me through this.  I don't see him trying to soften John's heart.  I don't see him comforting me.  GOD, WHY CAN'T I FEEL YOU WHEN I NEED YOU THE MOST?!  I can't stop crying.  I have this violent ache in my heart right now.  It's the only kind of ache a heart can feel when over and over again, someone is told by someone who once loved them that they are hated and unwanted.  I am hated and unwanted.  I am hated in my marriage.

    While I am learning that I am the only one responsible for my actions, he is continuing to blame me for his.  He called me and I stated that he had left his father's day card for his dad here.  He initially says in a harsh tone, "Don't touch it."  I didn't do anything.  I just noticed it and let him know.  That was it.  "Yeah, well, don't touch it.  I figured you would."  Like I was going to throw it away... every fucking sin is held against me no matter how hard I try. 

    We're going to Hawaii on Wednesday and I can already see that I'm going to be on fucking eggshells.  I've been on eggshells the last two days and one little thing breaks the egg.  It hurts so goddamned much to constantly be told how much I'm hated... by the end of this, what will be left of my self-esteem?

    No one wants me to work for them.  My own husband doesn't even want me.  Why would anyone else... why should I feel confident?  I know I can do the work... but no one wants me.  I don't want someone else to define me... but man, I hate myself so much right now.  The very thing I've tried so hard to run away from in myself while growing up... I've found myself running into in the form of my husband.  The loathing, the disgust, the anger... the hatred... all the things I had for myself and have worked so hard to improve... he has for me... and I'm reliving the whole damned thing all over again...

    Except... this time... it's so much worse.  so so much worse.

  • Forcing the Moment

    So as of Friday, I'm down 9.2 lbs in 4 weeks.  I'm almost in double digits down!  This is exciting and frightening to me.  In fact, while I love Weight Watchers for giving me guidance and being fruitful, I find the old controlling me kicking in.  I had to asked my husband to remind me to keep to my points.. because I'm finding that I keep thinking if I eat less points... I lose more weight.  So then I just slowly keep eating less.  I don't do anything drastic or dramatic... but enough that I can start to feel weak.  He's doing a good job of reminding me.  I just hate having to even deal with this.  I'm constantly in limbo of wanting to eat and hating eating.  Or just feeling full or like I don't want to eat.  This diet teaches you to consume more fiber and that's part of the lack of hunger, I think...

    I also find that my self defeating thoughts increase.  The fat pinching, grabbing, disgust gets worse.  I feel fat ... and I am fat ... but I have a hard time acknowledging that it's getting better... slowly but surely, it's getting better.

    Le sigh.  I'm still sucking in the job department and it kills me to hear about classmates getting two, three job offers!  I'm looking harder than anyone I know, I have my license... I have good experience... and somehow, I'm still not good enough.  I keep trying to see if I can get a perspective from God and it doesn't seem to get through to me.  And in my head, I think... God gives blessing and takes it away.  Is this for a reason?  Am I supposed to be just hanging out right now?  Is it supposed to help me get my emo shit together?  I DON'T GET IT.  But... what can I do?  Keep looking... keep looking.  Keep praying.  There's gotta be something for me, right?

    We get to go to Hawaii in a few days.  I'm excited to get away for a change of scenery.  Yay for beach! 

    I don't know what else to write.  There's really not much else.  I'm just trying to be a better person...

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cadency

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    • Name: Glory
    • Country: United States
    • State: Arizona
    • Birthday: 3/26/1985
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 8/31/2002

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About Me

  • But as for me, I came so close to the edge of the cliff! My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone. Then I realized how bitter I had become, how pained I had been by all I had seen. I was so foolish and ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. - Psalm 73:2,21-26

Pulse

  • New pic for my default pic!  I'm the dark one...could anyone really ever imagine me the blonde?  I'm too emo. The color is all natural too!
  • Who knew that this road would make me lose my faith, myself, and make me more alone than I could ever imagine...
  • I don't remember the last time I seriously considered death like this.  We've crossed some lines here, baby.

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Chatboard (2)

  • casmarie
    Just saying hi.....hope you have a great week!
  • Dominic_Ville
    thanks for the guestbook comment. it's hard writing personal things for all too see (as i'm sure you know) but one of the main reasonsi do is just in case it connects with someone else's journey. thanks again.