This is going to be one ridiculous blurb of frustration.  I have spent this last entire week battling a heaviness that is beginning to feel suffocating.  I feel depressed.  I feel sad.  I feel exhausted.  I feel utterly hopeless and discouraged.  I feel like crying, but I don't.  I feel alone, even when I'm with you.  I feel empty even when I have reasons to feel full.  At first, I attributed this to my current solution to the spousal disputes.  I have silenced myself.  I am afraid to complain, to express myself, to tell him how I feel... because, in the past, any time that I have, regardless of all the psychologic nonsense I attribute to my feelings, it's been blown out of proportion and taken out of me.  He gets defensive, get gets angry, he gets upset and says I'm making him out to be a horrible person.  BUT I NEVER MEANT IT THAT WAY.  Doesn't matter, it seems.  It has to be on his terms or no terms.  I don't complain and I don't tell him what's going on, how I feel unless I'm being very very careful.  So sparringly.  Initially, I thought this was the cause of the depression because I've begun to feel as if I've lost a sense of myself.  I am hiding.  All the time.  Then, I started spotting... girl stuff... and usually, I get really moody when that happens, even if it's not a real period.  B.C. 4 life.  And now... I'm wondering if it's because of all the drama that I've heard with my inlaws.  My father-in-law, so I've heard, has been spreading lies about me in order to pit my brother-in-law against me.  It's depressing and frustrating... but I felt like I gave it to God.  Can't do nothing about it and have resigned myself to silence because of the way that this man is.  Writing about that would be an entirely different blog... but it's been a struggle.  Or maybe it's my current job situation...

If I kept listing the things it could be, I'm sure I could take up a page or two... but I really don't know.  I know that, right now, sitting here... I am miserable and I hate my life and myself so incredibly much.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I SUCK SO MUCH. I just don't. 

Today, though, I had an annoying dream.  I woke up angry.  I don't normally get angry but it was the kind of angry that made me want to put holes in things.  Just frustrated. 

I feel like I'm just in a dark period.  The last several weeks I've been feeling like God isn't there, hearing me, etc... and I've had to learn to trust and pray despite that... and that's been exhausting in and of itself... and now through those struggles, I just feel another dark cloud.

I just want to be a happy person.  I want to feel peace and joy and not wonder if I'm upsetting someone, saying the wrong thing.  I don't want to be so uncomfortable in my own skin anymore.  I just want the world to be okay with me being me... and I want them to let me be okay being me.

I guess I need to keep looking up.  It's hard.  I'm tired of feeling so weighted.
God, help me?

So I'm a little strict with my Weight Watchers.  That comes from the former ED in me and that black and white, all or nothing mentality.  I'm sure that's been established with my past posts.  I still eat and behave without starving.  No big deal.   Last night, being that it's after 0100, I went out to eat with my sister in law and I planned ahead and saved most of my points.  I did reasonable at the dinner table.  Ate portions but not everything, brought boxes home.  Well, by the time I got home... the food was calling my name.  Frustratingly so.  I kept thinking about it and finally said, what the heck.  I ate it and figured, since I hadn't seen the nutritional content, that I used to rest of my points and all my weekly points.  Okay.  No big deal.  Well, I came online and thought... let's go look at the restaurant website.  I hadn't had time to do that like I normally would have before I left.  Lo and behold, nutritional content!  I looked.  I shouldn't have looked.  I should not have looked...

I was mostly right.  I ate my points and all my weekly points... and unfortunately, I changed my order up a bit and didn't eat exactly to the nutritional content so I may be over estimating.  I ate 5 over my weekly points.  Never done that before.  It was the aftermath, the realization of what the caloric numbers really were... not just the point values... that threw me for a loop.  My mind raced.  I got that jittery, shaky, anorexic twitch that I used to get when I got anxious about what I realized I just ate.  I wanted to run, wanted to throw up, wanted to be sick.  So I got all freaked out, started the whole... you fat pig, you cow, what the hell is wrong with you... and attempted to drag my several hundred pound treadmill in the house so I could be on it for several hours in the A/C.  Well, it wouldn't fit through the door.  I freaked some more.  Tried to put it back.  Gave up.  Got on it with it in the garage in the heat.  Did HIIT for a good hour.  Came back in.  Lifted some weights and did abs.  Feel a little better but am not thrilled because WW doesn't track HIIT.  They track time.  I feel thoroughly nauseous.  Did the treadmill until it hurt to move in my hips and until I felt sick.  Like now.  Thinking about getting up even earlier to go walking in the morning before orientation starts.  Dare I?  The neuroses says yes.

I don't like feeling like that.  Sigh.  Some parts just don't die... and it's unfortunate.

Oh well.  On to today...